Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.