Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall