Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.