Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.