Holy crap this is wonderful
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*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again