Holy crap this is wonderful
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Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.