“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally