Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?