Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

it’s not been my year

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.