“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
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Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me