holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then