holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I am all good here, 😂😉
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Bike for sale
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Growing out my freckles.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
another case of gang violins
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no