Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good