“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
It’s a gift
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
weddings should have a worst man
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder