Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

A friend helps you before you need it

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh