holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Duck typos.
Selfie
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?