holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
<- sleeps well with others
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.