Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

🛁

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Breaking news:

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.