Holy moly
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People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs