Holy moly
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I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Support your local cemetery
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.