Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

The most accurate map ever devised.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho