Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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ew if literal: let me be clear
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.