Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.