Holy shit he’s back
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Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]