Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD