Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her