Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Noah
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.