“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
this made my day 😂
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car