“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me when I’m ovulating
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some