“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
#Caturday
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.