I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
remember
only for emergencies
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.