Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.