Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now