Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
applying for a new job
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
edward fingerhands
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance