Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
You Might Also Like
grotesque if literal: baby food
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.