Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

the three branches of government

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers