@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”