Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.