Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.