Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-