Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*