Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Lmao 😁

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.