Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.