Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential