Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
The French word for sex is croissant.
They grow up so quick
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
u guys got any snacks onboard here
