Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Sending in my taxes
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.