Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’