Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
You Might Also Like
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
White border agent = Vanilla Ice
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian