Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.