Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
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I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop