@Big_Cat74

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

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@POTerritory

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

@JodingersCat

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

@ClaytonSykes

Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?

@daemonic3

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@sarcasm_inc

*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.

@tiffistrying

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

@Laser_Cat

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

@notnotscotty

[first day working at a pet store]

customer: can I see that fish bowl?

me: no, it doesn’t have thumbs.