Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?


“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years


No YOU hug her first ….
NO YOU hug her first ….
F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! ….

-Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse


dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun


It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]


Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!


me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!


69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.