Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[first day working at a pet store]
customer: can I see that fish bowl?
me: no, it doesn’t have thumbs.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.