Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.