Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops