Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
You Might Also Like
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
thanksgiving in nutshell
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
When I laugh on my period
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog