Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
edward fingerhands
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I don’t hate you, but I hope you run out of hot water before you’re finished your shower
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.