Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
they should create new variants of dopamine
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
reviewed some movies recently
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’