Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE