Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?