@TwinSurvivalist

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

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@iinkedZombie

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@meganamram

I know I’m being such a grammar Nazi, but it’s “Jew-rats make me NAUSEATED,” not “Jew-rats make me NAUSEOUS”

@Sandrahadenough

I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!

@Fred_Delicious

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

@TrueTorontoGirl

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

@errdayhustlah

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

@mattgallo123

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.