Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships