Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Go girl power!

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?