Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
another case of gang violins
there’s music for literally every activity
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
what?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable