Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO