@ObscureGent

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

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@karanbirtinna

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

@kelkulus

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

@MommaWordsIt

Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board

@tricycle_champ

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@thedadvocate01

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

@laffytakky

In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.

@coolgrandma98

when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”