Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
You Might Also Like
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*orders delivery*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED