Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.