Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

the clam before the storm

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.