[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

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“Do not purchase if seal is broke”

*looks over at homeless seal*

*places canned pickles back on the shelf*


If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!








Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while


Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.


In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.


I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying


*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*


thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this


I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you