[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?


My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.


I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.


INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?

INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.


Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!


Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.



Wife: *trying to level a picture frame* I’m gonna murder you if you don’t start saying left or right

Me: Wester


Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.