[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Happy Friday
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”