Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

How funny!

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.