Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?