Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run