Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does laundry happen to good people?

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.