Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS