Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

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Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn’t have any common sense.


Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.


How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven’t seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker


“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.


-Joe’s coming over.
“Joe from work or Joe who thinks he’s the Norse god, Thor?”
[the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]


January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday


I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”


her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.


SomeBODY once told me
My Whole Foods macaroni
Would be delivered by UPS


Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.