my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK
*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I’m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
I’d use my best pan on you.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.