Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
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Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
i choose….tongue
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
This is a whole mood;
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Go hard or stay average
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird