Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen![]()
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Goat cheese is for herders.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.