Home #decor warning.
You Might Also Like
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I would like even faster food.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
British people be like I’m Bri ish