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Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Tremendous stuff
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.